Chelsea Handler Quotes

People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.” — Chelsea Handler

It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, “I’m a very good friend. — Chelsea Handler

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second… or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order. — Chelsea Handler

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass. — Chelsea Handler

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid. — Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. — Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. — Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers. — Chelsea Handler

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you. — Chelsea Handler