Looking for funny quotes? Here we’ve collected over 400 funny quotes on a variety of topics (short funny, famous, quotes for men, women, kids,…)
The Funniest Quotes Ever
The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ~Mark Twain
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? ~Jerry Seinfeld
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. ~Billy Sunday
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. ~Laurell K. Hamilton
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ~Mark Twain
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~Winston S. Churchill
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. ~Cathy Guisewite
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. ~Ellen DeGeneres
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. ~Bill Murray
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. ~Will Rogers
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. ~Jimmy Carter
I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth. ~Will Rogers
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. ~Rodney Dangerfield
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. ~George Carlin
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. ~Lawrence Ferlinghetti
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. ~Rodney Dangerfield
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ~George Bernard Shaw
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~Fred Allen
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ~Steven Wright
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ~Golda Meir
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. ~Gore Vidal
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. ~Albert Einstein
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
Short Funny Quotes
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.
I’m addicted to placebos. ~Steven Wright
When nothing is going right, go left.
Reality continues to ruin my life. ~Bill Watterson
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
Never miss a good chance to shut up. ~Will Rogers
Sane is boring. ~R.A. Salvatore
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~Phyllis Diller
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. ~Elbert Hubbard
All generalizations are false, including this one. ~Mark Twain
What’s another word for Thesaurus? ~Steven Wright
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. ~Spanish Proverb
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. ~Mitch Hedberg
Puns are the highest form of literature. ~Alfred Hitchcock
Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together!
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. ~Mitch Hedberg
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Famous Funny Quotes
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say ‘How to Build a Boat.’ ~Steven Alexander Wright
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. ~Melanie Griffith
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~Albert Einstein
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. ~Albert Einstein
A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. ~Winston Churchill
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy. ~Frank Zappa
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. ~Woody Allen
Inspirational Funny Quotes
To be successful, regardless of the field, one needs to be a participant in the field of battle, rather than a spectator.
There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.
You’ll be richer in the end than a prince if you’re a friend
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
You may plan to write a book someday, but you are living a book every day.
Yesterday, I forgot how a friend hurt my feelings. Today, I forgot what I did to make him mad.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
Read: Inspirational Quotes
Funny Quotes From Social (Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter…)
I want to change my name on Facebook to “Nobody,” so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say “Nobody likes this.” ~Anonymous
I’m so tired, the bags under my eyes are bigger than my boobs.
You have Facebook? Yup. You have Whatsapp? Yup. You have love? Forgot to install it. ~Anonymous
I hate math…But I love counting money.
If I don’t log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must’ve kidnapped me! ~Anonymous
Enjoy the good times because something terrible is probably about to happen.
If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook. ~Anonymous
Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account. ~Anonymous
It’s almost bed time, so I’ll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick. ~Anonymous
I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink. That’s about it.
I’m going to open a new Facebook account named ‘Anonymous’ so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me! ~Clinton Thomas
I made my Facebook name “Benefits,” so when you add me now it says “you’re friends with benefits.” ~Anonymous
Facebook needs three buttons, “Like”, “Dislike” and “Stop being stupid.” ~Anonymous
When I have children, I’m going to make them watch the movie “2012” and tell them I survived that.
When I offer you food, it’s only because my mother raised me right. As my friend, please read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.
Funny Quotes About Friends, Friendship
There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. ~Linda Grayson
“True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.“ ~Unknown
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang. ~Unknown
“A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a dead body.“ ~Jim Hayes
Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. ~Otto von Bismarck
“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.“ ~Marlene Dietrich
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Friends are the family you choose.“ ~Jess C. Scott
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.“ ~Arnold H. Glasgow
Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected. ~Charles Lamb
There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. ~Linda Grayson
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.“ ~Samuel Butler
Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside. ~Unknown
“True friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together” ~Emilie Saint-Genis
Read: Friendship Quotes
Funny Quotes For Girls
I am strong, I am beautiful, I am enough.
“My style is simple, kinda girly, but with a bit of an edge.” ~ Erin Heatherton
“Eat diamonds for breakfast and shine all day.”
I’m not a perfect girl. My hair doesn’t always stay in place and I spill things a lot. I’m pretty clumsy and sometimes I have a broken heart. My friends and I sometimes fight and some days nothing goes right. But when I think about it and take a step back I remember how amazing life truly is and that maybe. Just maybe. I like being imperfect!
A baby girl is one of the most beautiful miracles in life, one of the greatest joys we can ever know, and one of the reasons why there is a little extra sunshine, laughter and happiness in your world today.
“And though she be but little, she is fierce.” ~ Shakespeare
“Give a girl the correct footwear and she can conquer the world.” ~ Bette Midler
“I’m a girl. Don’t touch my hair, face, phone, or boyfriend.”
“Keep calm and love a short girl.”
If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she’s late?
“A clever girl may pass through the phase of foolish miss on the way to sensible woman.” – Mary Lascelles
“I’m not short, I’m compact and ridiculously adorable.”
“Every short girl should have a tall guy that makes her smile.”
Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
“I’m the type of girl that puts on her better smile, her better outfit, and better attitude and shows him what he left behind.”
Funny Quotes From Kids
I love you tiny pants, Dad.
If you listen very quietly, it sounds like the rain is playing music in the grass and the trees… ~Gideon, age 6
I really love being human. But some days I really wish I could be a fairy. ~Greta, age 4
Don’t worry, I got this (staring excitedly at her ice cream) ~Daughter, age 4
Mommy, do you know what the Italian Renaissance is? It’s naked people. ~Simon, age 8
How do you keep seeing through all of my disguises? ~Alex, age 4
Mommy. I’m not joking, I’m not kidding, and I’m not playing. I need chocolate. ~Sophia, age 3
Fog is just clouds that have fell down ~Dylan, age 6
I was not kicking Brady; I was just loving him with my boot. ~Claire, age 4
Ow! My eye! I didn’t know where my hand was going. I thought it wanted to rest behind my head but it wanted to poke me in the eye! ~Gabriel, age 4
It was fun being famous on my birthday. ~Ashlyn, age 6
I better go to bed now. I have a dream locked up in my heart that I need to let out. ~Greta, age 4
I really wish I had some yoga pants. Even though I don’t really do yoga. Kinda like you mom… ~Hannah, age 6
Funny Quotes For Him
“I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin me.”
I love you like a biker loves his Harley.
“Mornings were made for sleeping, wild sex, and bacon.”
“I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute with you.”
“I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.”
Falling in love with you sure beats the other falls I had today!
Funny Quotes For Boyfriend
Despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late ’90s, if you want to be my lover, please do not get with my friends.
You’ve stolen a pizza my heart
I check my phone sixty times each minute of each hour to see if you have cared enough to say hello
You own my heart. And my ass.
No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.
Treat your career like a bad boyfriend. Your career wont take care of you. It won’t call you back or introduce you to its parents. Your career will openly flirt with other people while you are around. ~Amy Poehler
If there ever comes a day, when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.
Let’s cuddle so I can steal your body heat…
I love my crazy, goofy, sometimes stupid boyfriend
Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend. ~Lucy Liu
I love you with all my butt, I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.
I think I feel most like a princess when I’m sort of bursting with happiness and love, so whether that would be, like, with my boyfriend or my family or at a really fun party – just when you’re full of life. ~Lily James
I promise to always be by your side. Or under you. Or on top.
I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin me.
Mornings were made for sleeping, wild sex, and bacon.
What I tell a girl is, your six-pack hot boyfriend right now, in six years, will be balding and maybe have a paunch. But I make you laugh every five minutes today, and I’ll make you laugh 20 years from now; that’s not going to go away. ~Vir Das
When I’m not working… I’m an actor! I’m auditioning! I like to hang out, have fun, drink, club, meet boys, look for boyfriends, play MASH, the usual. ~Xosha Roquemore
I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.
The best boyfriends are the ones in books. ~Leah Blundell
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday, yesterday you were pretty annoying.
I promise to love you, respect you, support you, and above all else, make sure I’m not just yelling at you because I’m hungry.
I could lay next to you forever. Or until we decide to go eat.
If you are lucky enough to find a weirdo, never let them go
I love you more than coffee. But please don’t make me prove it.
‘Who wears the pants in our relationship?’ We prefer it when neither of us are wearing pants.
Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh I put up with you. So we’re even.
We were the best kind of friends and suddenly BAM I was in love with him.
Funny Quotes About School
I said school starts tomorrow. I didn’t say I was going to be there. ~Kim Harrison
“No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.” ~Edgar Watson Howe
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary column. ~Norm Crosby
“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” ~Tom Bodett
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
“Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.” ~E.C. McKenzie
School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come. ~Dave Kellett
“People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.” ~Bill Vaughan
When I was growing up, my parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’ ~Thomas Friedman
As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school. ~Cokie Roberts
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. ~Edgar W. Howe
“Work hard, nap hard.” ~Demi Lovato
“Nothing grieves a child more than to study the wrong lesson and learn something he wasn’t suppose to.” ~E.C. McKenzie
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ~John Lennon
When I say I miss school, I mean my friends and the fun. Not the school. ~Unknown
Funny Quotes About Life
“I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.” ~Arthur C. Clarke
“Watching a person who successfully loses fifty pounds and changes her life is more inspirational than listening to a fitness coach with a perfect body.” ~Martin Meadows
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” ~Stephen Hawking
Without Sunday, I wouldn’t know when to put on the brakes of a hurtling life. ~Byron Pulsifer
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” ~Jerry Seinfeld
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” ~Robert Frost
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” ~Albert Einstein
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” ~Rodney Dangerfield
“Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” ~Elbert Hubbard
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” ~Laurell K. Hamilton
“It’s funny, I spent the first half of my life desperately trying not to become my mother, and now I am spending the second half of my life desperately hoping to become half the woman that she is.” ~Helen C. Escott
“Life only delivers to people that create their own postal code.” ~Jelani Daniel
“I can resist everything except temptation.” ~Oscar Wilde
“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.” ~Terry Pratchett
“Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.” ~William Goldman
“A mother is the best friend God ever gave.” ~Christian Nestell Bovee
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ~Charles Bukowski
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ~Albert Einstein
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” ~Cathy Guisewite
“Life without Christ is like a vacuum cleaner without the electrical electrical cord plugged in. It has no power to suck up the dirt.” ~Don Wilton
“Life is short. Eat dessert first.”
“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” ~William Goldman
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ~Isaac Asimov
Read more: Life Quotes
Funny Quotes About Life Lessons
Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. ~Annette Funicello
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Seek to learn constantly while you live; do not wait in the faith that old age by itself will bring wisdom. ~Solon
Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” ~Woody Allen
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~George V. Higgins
People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self.
“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” ~J.M. Barrie
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ~Will Rogers
Read: Life Quotes
Funny Quotes About Love, Relationship, and Marriage
A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside – Made in Taiwan. ~Leopold Fetchner
Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass. ~English Proverb
Love thy neighbor, just watch out for the husband ~Anonymous
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. ~Francois de la Rochefoucauld
I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. ~Chico Marx
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. ~Jean Kerr
I had a dream that i still loved you…I think I woke up screaming. ~Christine
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet.
As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. ~Ralphie May
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. ~ Phyllis Diller
It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. ~Lucille Ball
Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage. ~Ambrose Bierce
A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears ~Les Dawson
If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards. ~J.A. Redmerski
Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist. ~James Garner
Related:
Funny Quotes About Food, Eating
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. ~Mark Twain
There is no sincerer love than the love of food ~George Bernard Shaw
When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don’t answer because I’m eating. ~Anonymous
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending. ~Anonymous
Fries before guys…and pretty much everything else.
I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food.
If you really want to make a friend, go to someone’s house and eat…The people who give you their food give you their heart. ~Cesar Chavez
That feeling you get in your stomach when you see food
Ways to my heart:
1. Buy me food
2. Make me food
3. Be food
The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating ~John Walters
Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. ~Hippocrates
There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. ~Kevin James
Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
There’s no ‘we’ in ‘Food’
Questions to ask on a first date: Are you a normal ice-cream cone licker or one of those people who bites right into it like some kind of animal?
I won’t be impressed with technology till I can download food.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Dieting is when you eat food that makes you sad.
Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.
I’ve never been in love…but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see a waiter arriving with your food.
The best things in life are free*.
*Does not apply to pizza.
Love is an open door…to a really good bakery.
People who love to eat, are always the best people ~Julia Child
Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments ~Bethenny Frankel
Funny Quotes About Work
No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx
If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein
My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? ~Kin Hubbard
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. ~Stanley J. Randall
If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock. ~Claude McDonald
Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday. ~Anonymous
Stop crying, Monday will be over soon. ~Anonymous
My son is now an “entrepreneur.” That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job. ~Ted Turner
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose? ~Don Marquis
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. ~George Burns
Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Anonymous
I’m not feeling very worky today. ~Anonymous
It’s funny how nobody notices all the good things you do until you don’t do them. ~Anonymous
I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.~Anonymous
My bed wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it. ~Anonymous
When my boss told me this is the fifth time I’m late, I smiled and thought to myself, it’s Friday!! ~Anonymous
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. ~Steven Wright
Funny Quotes About Family
My family is temperamental. Half temper. Half mental.
Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back. ~Earl Wilson
Family is just accident…. They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. ~Ray Romano
My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called “Pictures we took just to use up the rest of the film”. ~Penelope Lombard
I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on. ~Ugo Betti
I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.
If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that members not present and subjects discussed were one and the same. ~Robert Brault
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ~George Bernard Shaw
My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.
You can not choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls!
I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house. ~Anthony Anderson
In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ~Erma Bombeck
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom. ~Bob Hope
If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion. ~Ashleigh Brilliant
Crazy is a relative term in my family! ~Unknown
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ~Phyllis Diller
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. ~W.C. Fields
The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it. ~Erma Bombeck
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. ~Cary Grant
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin. ~Tim Vine
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city ~George Burns
Funny Quotes About Men
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” ~Albert Einstein
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~George Carlin
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. ~Elaine Boosler
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house!
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax. ~Rita Rudner
No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it. ~Elizabeth Peters
Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from. ~Mae West
I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. ~Louis C.K.
I don’t mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get. ~Ruth Buzzi
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys!
“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.” ~Helen Rowland
“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” ~Roseanne Barr
Men are like commercials, you can’t believe a word they say.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. ~George Carlin
It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my men. ~Mae West
Always remember:
When SHE cancels a date, it is because..
“She has to.”
But
When HE cancels a date, it is because..
“He has two.”
“Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.” ~Laura Swenson
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts. ~Conan O’Brien
The only place men want depth in a woman is in her decolletage. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” ~Kathy Lette
Funny Quotes From Movies, TV Show
“It’s just a flesh wound.” ~Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!” ~Dumb & Dumber (1994)
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ~The Princess Bride
“Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy…” ~American Pie (1999)
“This building has to be at least…. three times bigger than this!” ~Zoolander (2001)
“They’re not gonna catch us. We’re on a mission from God.” ~The Blues Brothers (1980)
“Don’t you find it a little bit (of a) coincidence that the body fell perfectly within the chalk outline on the floor?”
– “I think they drew the chalk outline later.”
– “Ah!”
~The Pink Panther (2006)
“I love you girls. Y’know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!” ~Ted (2012)
“I’ll have what she’s having.” ~When Harry Met Sally… (1989)
“…My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin’ on the porch with my family, singin’ and dancin’ down in Mississippi…” ~The Jerk (1979)
“‘Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you’re ever gonna get!” ~The Incredibles (2004)
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.” ~Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
“I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late ’90s.” ~Deadpool (2016)
Funny Quotes From Famous People
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” ~Oscar Wilde
“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.” ~W. C. Fields
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. ~Chris Rock
People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. ~Bill Murray
“My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that’s OK!” ~Jay Leno
“I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.” ~Mel Brooks
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. ~Groucho Marx
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. ~Chris Rock
“He who can does—he who cannot, teaches.” ~George Bernard Shaw
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ~Jerry Seinfeld
They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? ~Dave Chappelle
Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. ~Jimmy Fallon
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. ~Eddie Murphy
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. ~Kevin Hart
“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin
Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face. ~Louis C.K.
“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.” ~George Bernard Shaw
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~Robin Williams
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. ~Ellen DeGeneres
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. ~Ellen DeGeneres
Funny Inspirational Quotes and Sayings About Failure
“We are all of us failures – at least, the best of us are.” – James Matthew Barrie
“Show me a thoroughly satisfied man – and I will show you a failure.” – Thomas Alva Edison
“Most of our faults are more pardonable than the means we use to conceal them.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” – Bill Lyon
“Success has many fathers, failure is a mother.” – Jeanne Phillips
“When a man blames others for his failures, it’s a good idea to credit others with his successes.” – Howard W. Newton
“Nothing succeeds like – failure.” – Oliver Herford
“Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal.” – Mike Ditka
“There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.” – Cyrus H.K. Curtis
“Physicians of all men are most happy; what good success they have, the world proclaimeth, and what faults they commit, the earth coverith.” – Francis Quarles
More failure quotes
Funny Inspirational Quotes and Sayings About Success
Actually, I’m an overnight success, but it took 20 years.” – Monty Hall
“A gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn’t been asleep.” – Wilson Mizner
“Success is not always a sure sign of merit, but it is a first-rate way to succeed.” – Josh Billings (pseudonym of Henry Wheeler Shaw)
“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” – Bette Midler
“Behind every successful man is a woman – with nothing to wear.” – L. Grant Glickman
“The secret of success in life is known only to those who have not succeeded.” – John Churton Collins
“Everything bows to success, even grammar.” – Victor Hugo
“Success is the one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows.” – Ambrose Bierce
“Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you’ll end up in the police station.” – Fred Allen
“The penalty of success is to be bored by the attention of people who formerly snubbed you.” – Mary Wilson Little
More Success quotes
Conclusion
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